Hello, lovelies. Hope the day is going well so far. I wanted to share with you something I recently realized:
This conversation about independent women versus sugar babies (or 50/50 vs. hypergamy) is deeper than we’re letting on.
First: This is just more female competition and mean girl stuff. Most of us don’t REALLY want to see another woman doing TOO well. (Let’s just admit it so we can grow up about it, okay?)
Second: Because we don’t believe WE can have what we really want, we have to find a way to tear down women who have what THEY want. We do not want to come face to face with our self-sabotaging beliefs that we really can’t have what we want. We are NOT ready to admit that to ourselves.
Let’s start with the first point: This conversation is more female competition and a new way for women to invalidate one another by feeling a sense of superiority because they have chosen the opposite path in their way of living and their relationship mating strategies.
A year or so ago, I made a video talking about the potential pitfalls of being a sugar baby. I think it’s very important for women to count the costs of anything they decide to do when it comes to how they interact with men, particularly in romantic partnerships. That said, I also think it is of the upmost importance that women put value on themselves and MAKE MEN COMPENSATE THEM for their time, energy, beauty, intimacy, emotional labor, no matter how much money the woman does or doesn’t have. It damn sure shouldn’t be free or inexpensive. It takes a lot to be a woman.
If a woman chooses to be independent, she has her reasons. Perfect example in my early 20s I was extraordinarily independent because I watched my mother be physically and financially abused by multiple men. It made me very driven in my career and money management skills, because I never wanted to be under the heel of a man that way.
If a woman chooses to be a sugar baby, she has her reasons, also. After dating a couple of guys who had a good time with me and left me emotionally wounded with nothing to show for it, I decided that Miss Independent was not the best strategy for me. I then made a polar opposite decision that I would go for guys with money, particularly older guys. This was fine for a certain season of life, but what ended up happening when I wanted a relationship that led to marriage was that there was a huge power differential where the man not only had more money than me, but more LIFE EXPERIENCE and GAME than me, allowing him to manipulate me and control me, introducing a significant amount of stress into my life. This does not mean that this always happens, but my MIND AND CONFIDENCE were not right, so this is why it happened to me.
That’s why even when I explain the downsides to things, I tell you that I understand. I have been both of these women. Many women have. It’s part of the journey. The problem is so many women don’t get past this part of the journey totally. They swing back and forth. They get with one guy because they’re tired of paying for everything, and it’s nice to be treated when you go out, but he’ll be a jerk a lot of times. Then they’ll break up with that guy and go to the guy who makes them feel good, but really doesn’t have any money. Because their ego is so wounded, they don’t care at first and start paying again. But that gets old after the honeymoon period is over. Now they want a man with money again, but they still are not mentally equipped to keep up with what it takes to deal with that type of man. I totally get it. I’ve been there. I realized eventually that I had to grow all the way up and find the middle path.
It wasn’t until I made the decision to stop approaching life like a little girl, TRULY have confidence, believe in myself and let the chips fall where they may that I found of the right path for myself. That path was to be a professional/earner in my own right (which I discuss in my tech entrepreneur mom series), while still allowing the space for a LOVING provider to show up in my life. Now that I am married with two children I have worked out an agreement with my husband where gives me pay (NOT an allowance. Kids get allowances.) to manage the home and be with the children, and I have the freedom to work on my business part time and enjoy this season of life. I had to be bold enough to know the value of that and negotiate that, though.
That’s what worked for me and I think that this is a power position for many women: to have the ABILITY to always do for yourself and never suffer a reduction in quality of life, while making sure that whoever you’re in partnership with is COMPENSATING you for what you are doing in THEIR lives. (My husband pays me because managing a home and cultivating educated, healthy, happy children is WORK. FULL STOP.)
IT’S NOT AN EITHER/OR THING, LADIES.
You can have the ability to be earn your own money while still being compensated. As it should be. Men should not be enjoying women without an investment. They don’t respect it, and quite frankly, I don’t even think they enjoy it as much when it’s too easy.
Now all the ladies are SAYING we believe this, but do we really? I don’t think so. If we did, we wouldn’t be looking for a fight with the next woman over any and everything. When we don’t truly believe that good things are for us, we do really unkind things to our own likeness (other women) to get a little relief from our pain.
You HAVE to work on what you believe is possible. YOU DO DESERVE EVERY GOOD THING YOU DESIRE.
SIT WITH THIS, Y’ALL. Don’t just give this a heart emoji and keep scrolling. Think about what I’m saying to you right now.
My platform is about selling YOU on YOURSELF. To carve out the life that you truly want and to be honest about what that life looks like. I don’t truly believe in the bottom my heart that women are OK being the man and the woman, all this work, all this stress, d*ck appointments (I HATE that this is even a thing), and no genuine affection.
We just THINK that’s what we have to be and accept and so we reverse engineer a mindset around that. I’m telling you there is a different path but you have to give yourself the freedom to be HONEST with yourself so you can really get what you want. You really can have the life you want. You just need a strategy, some guidance, and a little bit of nerve.
In the meantime, let’s all be more compassionate and gracious with our fellow women. We are living in a brand-new time and we’re ALL figuring this thing out. We are in the middle of a grand social experiment, some things are working fabulously, and others not so much. Either way, let’s be a little more kind to one another with that in mind. Good manners cost nothing.
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